Why Girls Can't Wear Miniskirts and Gays are Gross

Cady Heron knows how to put it

If you hadn't heard of Uganda before, now you probably have. And unfortunately for Uganda, it is not good PR -  at least not in the eyes of the West. Earlier this week the controversial anti-gay bill sentencing not only gay people, but also their 'collaborators' up till lifetime in jail, was signed by the President - after 5 years of debate in the Parliament; and the gay debate resurfaced again. The newspapers have been riddled with titles like "Gay members of Parliament on how they're planning to take over", "Shameless homos partying till late", "Homos on how they turned homo", and of course the much talked about list of top 200 gays exposed, with full name and profession.

Here are some of the headlines from this week's newspapers: 

     Let's go knock on some doors, shall we?

What a scandal...

How dare they!

They're taking over!

 If you think this sounds bad, wait till you hear why most Ugandans are so homophobic - it is not religion (that much, at least), but because it is a Western invention promoted by gay countries (never heard of that? Well that makes two of us!). Apparently, the West is funding gay NGOs in Uganda to promote this socially deviant behavior to the poor kids who don't know better, corrupting them. Also, obviously, being gay is closely connected with being immoral, pedophile and eating poo (ew) - the latter according to a well-known pastor in Uganda. I must admit I've been pretty ignorant my whole life before coming here, why didn't anyone tell me all this before? So there is some misinformation going around, and with a long tradition of not accepting homosexuality, a great portion of religion, and some very strong feelings in motion, you might understand why the fight for LGBT rights in Uganda has a long way to go. So just stop being gay, because your life here will pretty much suck here then.

Just leave me alone already??

Another interesting law in Uganda is the anti-miniskirt law. Yes, you heard right girls, pack away your miniskirts - if not guys on the street will take the matter into their own hands and actually undress you. Now this part I find a bit ironic, since the law prohibiting girls wearing miniskirts (guys can of course wear whatever they want, as always) is called the Anti-Pornography and Indecency Act, and is aimed at reducing pornographic elements and indecency in Uganda. So if you see a girl being indecently dressed, ripp of her clothes and that makes her... decent? Makes perfect sense. While we're at it, why not outlaw old wifebeaters, crocs and ripped jeans? I mean come on, in what world is that being decently dressed? As a matter of fact, why doesn't the government issue a dress code for the public? I'm sure that would be much appreciated - you'd never have to think of what to wear again, ever! Whereas I'm used to the government being there for you, to protect your rights, here it seems to be the opposite - issuing laws on what you're allowed to wear and who you're allowed to fall in love with.

Women's rights activists protesting the anti-pornography law

Everyone knows wearing miniskirts is synonymous with being a slut

After reading this you might wonder: Wait what, is Uganda in the Middle-East, is it Muslim? Is this for real, in 2014? The answer is no, no, and yes, unfortunately. After living in Bangladesh the past 6 months, struggling to conform to the strict dresscode and Islam's view on women, I thought coming to Uganda would be a relief, since after all, it is Christian, right? How can two countries sharing the same religion, still be so different? Truth be told Uganda seems as, if not even more, alien to me than Bangladesh did in the beginning. At least there, they denied the existence of gays, so the topic never really came up. This seems like a witch hunt from the 1600s, holocaust, or even apartheid. Surely Africans learned 'their lesson' about discriminating against others then, when they were treated horribly by white people? Why is sexuality so different? Don't they realize this is almost exactly the same as what they fought together against only two decades ago?

Yes, I totally get it (not)

Only to make matters worse, everyone seems to have gotten the memo that Norway is witholding aid due to this legizlation, making it actually a bit dangerous to 'reveal' our nationality. We've already been confronted by our waiters in our regular restuarant, overheard people talking about the West in extremely negative ways, and been told to be cautious by the Norwegian Embassy here, which apparently has been getting hate mail. So if anyone asks, we're all from Iceland!

Go Iceland!

So my word of advice would be: Don't be gay, and don't wear miniskirts. Definitely don't do both at the same time, then you're just asking for it. And watch out, your best friend might just have:

Janis Ian know how it works...